


Captain America and The Diaper Caper

by aries_taurus, Kavi Leighanna (kleighanna)



Series: Ella!Verse [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Baby!Fic, Ella!verse, F/M, Family, Humor, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 14:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3212519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aries_taurus/pseuds/aries_taurus, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kleighanna/pseuds/Kavi%20Leighanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>Steve whips the doll behind his back, turns to his wife with wide eyes. “Nothing.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain America and The Diaper Caper

**Author's Note:**

> So, Kavi and I were emailing back and forth and I had this flash of a title: Captain America and the Diaper Caper. Her response was WE ARE WRITING THIS. So we did!
> 
> This series is growing, taking on a life of its own. The parts will likely end up out of chronological order so be forwarned. 
> 
> This is a true 50-50 collaboration so please, let us know how we did!
> 
> Aries

* * *

 

 

He loves Pepper, he really does, but sometimes, her eagerness and earnestness is just… too much. The door to his and Maria’s new suite swishes closed softly behind him. JARVIS greets him and he can’t get used to that, not yet. Living in Stark Tower is… Strange is the wrong word, so is disturbing.

One thing he could rely on, the one thing that hadn’t changed too much was living in an apartment. You had your own space, you had to clean it, to cook… Private bathrooms and luxurious showers were a definite plus but doors that opened by themselves and electronic butlers were still… alien.

On the other hand, having Pepper give him twelve different books on a single tablet was handy and if he wanted to know something, he could ask JARVIS and no one would ever need to know he had no idea what baby monitors were.

He makes sure Maria’s not there before working the nerve to ask.

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, Captain?”

“I want to learn how to change a diaper.”

“Cloth or disposable?”

“Uh…”

Twenty minutes later, there are online orders made and couriers on the way and inside an hour, DUM-E’s in the elevator with a couple boxes.

JARVIS has selected videos for him and he sets up the surprisingly life-like infant doll and the cloth diapers on the coffee table, the StarkTablet open in front of him and ready.

He stares at the screen, concentrating. He can do this. He'll learn it by muscle memory if he has to. Apparently, changing diapers is no longer a woman's job so if he wants to be a man of the times, he has to do this. If he wants to keep his head, he will do this. Maria is not some barefoot, earth mother type and she's told him so, very, very clearly. She didn't outright say he had to get with the times and help out but he doesn't see any other way. Maria will be a great mother, but she will never change who she is, for anyone, not even the baby growing in her belly.  
  
Changing diapers is something he can do, something he can learn now. At least, it will make him somewhat useful. He has no idea what else do to, which was why he’d originally gone to Pepper and ended up with more reading material than he ever through possible about babies and child-rearing. It didn’t seem so complicated before, certainly not when he was growing up.

In the meantime, diaper changing is a skill he can learn. He stares at his hands and for the first time, he wonders if he had been better equipped before the serum. A tiny little body and his big hands… He’s screwed isn’t he? So screwed. He’s going to break his kid, there’s just no two ways about it.

DUM-E's claw is over his shoulder and the machine’s squeak brings him back to the challenge at hand. He feels a bit self-conscious but he. will. DO. THIS.

"Okay JARVIS, cue the video."

"Of course, Captain."

He watches intently. Lifts, folds, crosses... There. And.

"Shit!" The cruse flies out of his mouth with the doll to the floor. "Damn it."

DUM-E makes a sound and whirrs and Steve can only drop his chin to his chest, eyes closed. A nudge on his elbow and he opens them again. Tony's robot is holding the doll by the head, pushing at his arm.

He draws in a deep breath and takes the doll into his hands. "JARVIS, let's do this again."

By the tenth time, he's got the diaper secured and he holds up the doll and... the cloth falls gracefully to the floor.

This time, he does growl in frustration.

On the fifteenth try, he lifts the doll, and it holds.

"Yes!"

"Captain?"

"Yes JARVIS?”

"The left side safety pin has penetrated the doll's shell."

He takes a deep breath, undoes the diaper, and tries again.

“What are you doing?” 

Steve whips the doll behind his back, turns to his wife with wide eyes. “Nothing.”

Maria rubs at her stomach - her _stomach,_ she’s _pregnant_ , there’s a _baby_  in there, what had he done in a past life to get this? - and sighs. “Steve. How many times do I have to tell you: you suck at lying.” 

He sighs, knows when he’s bested. Slowly, he shows her the doll. 

“Is that a cloth diaper?” 

He blinks, surprised at the disgust in her tone. It’s all over her face too, the wrinkle of her nose that she hates and he finds utterly adorable for the femininity in it. “Yes. They’re environmentally friendly and there aren’t any chemicals in them. Less skin irritation and rashes and-“

“No.” 

“What?” 

“We are not using cloth diapers.”

She sounds so firm, so resolute. His heart is hammering in his chest because she hasn’t really been that involved in all of the decisions that come with a positive pregnancy test. She’s been hands off with the nursery - “gender neutral,” had been her only request - and she’s letting Pepper, Darcy and Thor go all out with baby gear - on Tony’s dime, of course. He’d been nervous, to be honest. Nervous that she’d changed her mind about keeping the baby, about actually being a mother. His chest is tight. 

She steps up to him then, her nose still wrinkled, and plucks at the diaper. It comes free easily and she drops it neatly into the trash can beside the change table. “Disposable,” she says. “Pepper’s been talking about Diaper Genie’s for weeks. Don’t ruin her fun.” 

Steve looks up as Maria turns to leave, mouths ‘Diaper Genie’ at the ceiling. A moment later, JARVIS has pulled up another website and Steve finds himself dropping to the rocking chair.

He is in so far over his head.

 

**Author's Note:**

> How did we do?
> 
> Hopefully, we made you laugh and smile.


End file.
